remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
