I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
