i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
