dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
