Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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