so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
