ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Did I show you my penis last night?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
