after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
