But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
