i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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