you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
