Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
