god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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