watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
