You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
