He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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