Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
