I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
