my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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