he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You are a genius and a whore.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
