i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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