yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
