You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
