I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
