I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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