We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Michael Bay diarrhea
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
