i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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