Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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