Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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