i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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