we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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