Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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