her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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