at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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