no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
