She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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