I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
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So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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