If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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