Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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