She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
