she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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