Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
