she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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