I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
