other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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