I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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