You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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