Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
