just tell him i said nine months
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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