he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
