I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Couch. On fire.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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