i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
