Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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