Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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