im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
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I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
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Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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