I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
