apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
