I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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