But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
