A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
